Today I am going to get real and raw and express some feelings that I don’t talk about much. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I just woke up off balance and not feeling very positive. The boys were fighting instantly and loud and chasing each other around the house trying to get toys from one another. My daughter wouldn’t stay asleep when I set her down but she was clearly tired and fussy. I spilled one of the bottles of milk I had just pumped which wasn’t much but you all know how it feels spilling breast milk.
I was irritable and I showed it. I tried to shake it but I couldn’t and boy I felt inadequate as a mother. The kids weren’t bad they were being kids: loud and silly, grumpy and sweet. We are potty training my middle son and every time I tried to take him to the potty he screamed and cried and it made me feel worse. I know he’s trying to show himself how long he can wait to go or maybe he didn’t need to go yet but I wanted him to try. By the end of the day I was spent. My husband told me how grumpy I was but I didn’t need reminding.
I spent my time before bed eating a big bowl of ice cream and crying about my day by myself.
You know what, that’s OK. I’m a strong mom. Daily, I spend my time raising amazing little people. I would’ve had wine last night but I’m breast-feeding and my daughter wasn’t ready for bed yet. I’m not sleeping well, not a surprise with a three-month-old. It’s not even her, the first two months she wouldn’t go to sleep until midnight. Now she will go down by 10:30 but I can’t.
There is a lot going on everyday. Two boys still learning to share. Teaching our toddler to not hit or bite when he doesn’t get his way, teaching my oldest he can’t trick his brother out of a toy he wants, potty training, a baby who doesn’t want to be set down, the constant calls for mom to watch every move their toys make while they play… the list goes on.
Today is better. I am not on edge now… it isn’t all bothering me right now. I forgive myself for how I acted yesterday, and my kids don’t seem phased at all. My 4 year old screamed and kicked and hit when he earned a timeout today. He screamed in his room as loud as he could. I am worried how he will handle the thinking chair in kindergarten this fall. I am worried he will get sent home or worse, not make friends. He is so excited for school, I want it to be a fun experience.
We all want the best. We all do our best. Moms and Dads. That’s all we can do.
So I am giving myself grace, which is so hard for us to do. Today is a new day. And maybe tonight I will crack open that bottle of wine.