I started back to work a few weeks ago so my updates and blog entries will likely slow down. To be honest, I am feeling a number of different emotions all at once. I had six months to be home with my family, something that is almost unheard of in the USA. Slowly, more large businesses are making bonding time a priority, but it isn’t happening nearly enough. I am very thankful for my employer, my leaders, and my peers who have welcomed me back after such a long time away.
I thought I would be more ready to be back at work. By the end of my leave, I was ready to feel productive in a professional setting again. I enjoy my work, it gives me an identity. Now that I am back to work, I feel like I am in a strange limbo between starting over and keeping up. Let me specify that my leadership is not burdening me in anyway. They have been fantastic! It is absolutely self-induced pressure I am putting on myself.
I never heard of this term before, but my Dad’s wife mentioned it. I didn’t realize this feeling had a name… I struggle with Imposter’s Syndrome. Literally I dream sometimes that I have no idea what I am doing at work, that the curtain is pulled, and they (meaning my peers and bosses) realize I am a fraud. I have 10 years experience in my industry and yet this crazy fear is in the back of my mind. It is actually causing me some anxiety.
Right now, I am trying to balance our new schedules and adjust to waking earlier with a baby who wasn’t going to bed before 1 am when I went back to work. Thankfully, she is now going down earlier at night… tonight was 9:30pm! It’s significant progress in just two weeks. In just over a month, our oldest starts school and we will be adjusting again.
Right now, I am trying to be patient with myself. There will always be plenty of work, and I have been through this before. In a year from now I will not be phased by these feelings. Today though, I am surviving even when I feel like I am flailing or free-falling. I know that I am good at what I do, so I just need to focus on it and push forward.